A TIMELESS STORY OF MONSTER BOYFRIEND ESCAPISM
Picture this: Sunday, summer, and nothing on today’s agenda. Where will you find me? Watching Twilight by myself. Good news! That’s literally what I'm doing as we speak (speak? read? type?). As I sit basking in the poor filming and excessive blinking, I can’t help but admit that I freaking love this movie. It’s so bad. It’s so good. Want me to convince you? FINE.
The plot? Not very realistic. Bella is an awkward girl who happens to fall in love with a vampire who literally has never wanted to kill anyone as much as her. Sounds pretty good, right? It gets better. A timeless story of monster boyfriend escapism. Mix in baseball, edible art, and mind-reading and you've got the perfect movie for any mood. It’s got action, romance, fantasy, ANGST, blood. Your boyfriend will love it.
Ok, so maybe he won’t, but if you need to use my argument in order to trick him into watching it, then I must remind you that I cannot be held liable for any related argument or break-up.
Now that we’ve established how fLawLeSS this plot is, let's turn our attention to the filmmaking. There’s this fun element of shaky filming that reminds you how much you hate riding in the backseat of a minivan. I mean there are full running scenes in the woods where the camera is practically strapped to the chest of a toddler trying to keep up. The use of diagonals is very compelling and forces you to turn your head along with the camera AKA a workout and a movie (two for the price of one!). I also want to mention the amount of color correction going on. The entire movie is blue and green, which is super impressive considering that other colors also exist. Wes Anderson could NEVER.
The soundtrack is awesome and you cannot fight me on this. Did I add Bella’s Lullaby to my falling asleep playlist? Heck yes I did. The Muse, Iron & Wine, Lincoln Park lets you reminisce on the giant question mark that is early 2000’s music (bear in mind I was only eight when this movie came out, but my argument still stands). The music gets better in each movie of the series, so you better watch all five of them!
My final piece of evidence that this movie is iconic is that it takes Robert Pattinson (who is, like, totally, like, hot) and makes him look so bad. He is unusually pale, dresses so poorly, and is constantly crouching. He is simultaneously super attractive and also embodies the word “bleh”. That’s actually pretty impressive. As an incredibly hot person myself, it would take a village to make me remotely unattractive. I must give credit where credit is due, so this is my official compliment to Robert Pattinson’s stylist. Well done, you’ve done the impossible. I rest my case.
All the things you think you hate about this movie are actually the reasons you secretly enjoy them. The cringy dialogue pulls you in and the toxic love story keeps you there. Don’t even get me STARTED on New Moon. Rewatch and enjoy: you are welcome.
I don’t know if I’ve ever meant this as much as I do now but, it's just Not That Serious.
Bridget Walton
Quotes to memorize:
“It’s a pretty good work lamp”
“Purple’s cool”
“Sex, money, sex, money, cat”
“Edible art?”
“You better hold on tight spider monkey”
“The feature’s dead, Angela!”
“You’re like my own personal brand of heroine”
“You don’t know ANYTHING”
“Clair de Lune… is great”