*CUE EPIPHANY BY TAYLOR SWIFT*
Has anyone ever given you a compliment that makes you say, “thanks” but then haunts you for years to come? Just me? Awesome. Some of you may be rolling your eyes, wondering how I can turn a compliment into an insult. Well buckle-up buckaroo, because I’m about to blow your mind.
The word that is probably popping into your head is, “backhanded.” While compliments of that nature make my blood boil, I’m referring to a very different kind of comment. The difference is the intentions. The flattery is not intended to belittle or insult, is it meant to bolster (bolster?) the target (target?). Sadly, in a disappointing turn of events, this specific compliment unintentionally cuts through a heart like butter. And by a heart I mean my heart. My little, sassy, psycho heart.
Any guesses as to what this compliment is? A compliment given so frequently, it warrants its own blog post? Fine, I’ll tell you.
“You look so pretty without your glasses on.” Or some iteration of this phrase.
Seems harmless right? If you said yes to this, then you probably don’t wear glasses OR you have given this compliment to someone else (maybe even me). While on the outside I pretend to be flattered and appreciative, in reality, my inner monologue is running wild with, “Well, thank goodness I wear my glasses literally every single day of my life.” or “Surprise! I have eyes!” I kid you not, someone once told me they never noticed my eyes were blue because of my glasses, and in case you were wondering, glasses are transparent.
Sadly, this reality doesn’t shock me. Reinforced by the hundreds of movie scenes where the nerdy girl takes her glasses off and then is suddenly the hottest person alive, there is a beauty standard that tells the world that women with glasses are somehow less beautiful. Culture teaches us to look at the surface. To decide the value of something based on a personal subjective opinion of someone else's appearance. It may sound silly, but saying “you look so pretty without your glasses on” has made me feel like that the frame is the only thing that people see when they look at me. *I’m about to rant* Here’s the message I tell myself and maybe you need to hear too: the world's standard of beauty is… well its a word my mom would be disappointed to read. Glasses or no glasses, skinny or not skinny, tall or short or whatever else you can add to this list, do NOT let the world decide the narrative. *rant over*
Although I’m publicly complaining about my annoyance at this comment, I have arrived at a place in my life where it not only rolls off my back, but I can actually appreciate that complimenter and their intentions. So while the motivation behind these words are good, the execution could use… tweaking.
So what is the solution? What compliment would actually feel like a compliment? I suppose a good ole, “You look pretty!” or “I like your outfit.” But, like I usually do in these blog posts, I’ve had an epiphany. *cue Epiphany by Taylor Swift*
In order to lead you into this realization in a super witty and organic way, I’ll ask you this: what is the purpose of a compliment? Webster’s Dictionary says it is a, “an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.” Bearing that in mind, I will ask yet another question, “In what ways do YOU want to be admired and esteemed?” Don’t get me wrong, it feels good when others compliment my appearance or outfit or my rockin’ bod, but those aren’t the things I want to be admired and esteemed for.
Instead of complementing one another on surface level things, what if we looked beneath the obvious and noticed the little things. Saw the kindness and humour and creativity that fills the people around us. Called out the gifts and talent in one another. We each have the capacity to compliment with great care.
NOW COMPLIMENT ME IN THE COMMENTS
Just kidding please don’t do that. Or do. I don’t know.
It’s just Not That Serious.
Bridget